Mulled Wine

So holiday season is here and mulled wine is both classy, dangerous and delish. Also, it's easy as crap to make. So if you want to look sophisticated for your Christmas or New Years party, I highly recommend this recipe. I also recommend using an english accent and wearing an ascot.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:


2 bottles of red wine. (I prefer Merlot but you can go with your preference. I discourage the use of sweet red, it just doesn't taste right when mulled)

1 cup of apple juice

1 capful of mint extract

3/4 cup of brown sugar

1/4 cup of cocoa powder (I find that unsweetened bakers cocoa works best but hot chocolate powder could work too)

3 squirts of lime juice (optional)

cinnamon, allspice, cloves, pumpkin pie spice all to taste

Mix everything together, in a pot, set stove to simmer for 20 mins. After the timer goes off, taste it and decide if you want to add more of any of your spices. Beware that if you do it right, it won't taste alcoholic at all. Enjoy this beverage warm and not too quickly or else you will be having a much better time than any one else at the party.

2 Bean Salad

So I was looking for an easy meal to make and as usual, I rummaged through my cupboards for ingredients. I came up with 2 bean salad and I cant lie, I am a lazy genius.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:

1 can of great northern beans or butter beans
1 can of pinto beans or kidney beans
1/4 cup of vinegar
1 tbsp of minced garlic
1 tbsp of powdered ginger
1 tsp of salt
cilantro to taste (none if you prefer)

Throw all your ingredients in a large bowl, stir it and eat! My husband says that if you like spicy mexican type foods, you can add 1/4 cup of salsa and a few squirts of hot sauce. Of course he says that about all food but I can actually vouch for this one.

Hint of Mint

Well, I was experimenting with food and discovered that-which-cannot-be-named. It looks and tastes like some delicacy you get in a Greek or Italian restaurant and all I used was a pan and a serving bowl. And although the mint ends up being a very subtle flavor, it sure opens up the sinuses! I can breathe! Without further adieu, I introduce the recipe.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:
3 pure peppermint tea bags
mint extract
handful of dried cranberries
half a diced onion
minute rice
olive oil
parsley flakes
salt
2 small chicken breasts

Fill a pot about halfway with water, drop in the chicken and the tea bags. Put the stove on high until it starts boiling. Once boiling, lower the heat to halfway and walk away for 20 minutes.

Ok, it's been 20 minutes! Don't turn off the water! Fish out the tea bags (save them)and chicken(save that too) with a spatula and set aside. If you are Chuck Norris, reach in with your bare hands being careful not to melt the pot. Bring the water back up to a boil, add enough minute rice to make the ratio apx 1:1 and turn the heat off.

When the rice is done, dump it into your serving bowl and stick the pan back on the burner at halfway again.  Pour olive oil in along with the contents of one tea bag...Yes I know, I am a mad scientist! After about 5 minutes, add the diced onions and let it sit for 5 minutes.

While your onions start cooking, take this time to shred the chicken which should have cooled down by now. Stir your onions when you are done, toss the chicken in the rice with however much salt you enjoy in rice, and a few pinches of parsley. Stir it all up.

When your onions are about halfway cooked, toss in your cranberries, a pinch or parsley and half a lidful of mint extract. DO NOT ADD MORE THAN THIS!  When the onions are starting to look a little burned throw that mixture into the bowl and mix. If you have a little olive oil that didn't get absorbed or cooked off it is even better, trust me!

Serve on a pretty plate with a sprig of fresh parsley and pretend you are being served during sunset at an outdoor cafe in Europe.

Andrew Cake

Author's Note: I combined a couple recipes I knew in my head to create this delicacy. My husband loved it so much that since it had no name that I knew of, I lovingly knighted it "Andrew Cake".

It's dessert time again! I almost think I need a second blog just to put my easy dessert recipes in but that's a little too much work for this lazy chef. Another thing that is too much work for me is baking an angel-food cake, which is necessary for this recipe. Also you need a pretty trifle dish for the presentation factor. (it looks like a mixing bowl with a wine stem) Luckily neither of those things are very expensive at your local wally world, so in the interest of building your shopping list I present to you the ingredient list! Ta-da!

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:
1 pre-made, undecorated angel-food cake
1 Packet of Ready-to-Cook Chocolate pudding*
3 cups of whatever kind of milk you use (we use almond)
cool whip (you need it cold but not frozen)
small packet of oreos

Cut your cake in half so that you have top and bottom, not left and right. Place either half in the bottom of your trifle dish with the middle side up. Follow the pudding directions for cooking it. While the pudding is still hot (but not boiling unless you want broken glass), pour it evenly over the cake. Stick that in the fridge for about 20 minutes.

While you are waiting, crush up your packet of oreos(about 10) into a bunch of crumbs. I dont really care how you accomplish this. Food processor works, potato masher in a flat dish, or put them in a plastic bag and stomp on them.

Ok, now that you are done abusing your oreos and the pudding has set, use a spoon to make your pudding layer flat, then dump a bunch of cool whip on top of that. Use your spoon to make that flat. Take your mutilated oreos and evenly distribute them over the top of the cool whip. Take a picture of how elegant your creation looks because your spouse is about to inhale that beast!


*It is important to dirty your pot for pudding cooking for a few reasons. First of all, cold pudding is harder to pour and that just doesn't fit in with our laziness now does it? Secondly, the hot pudding will change the top of the cake and make these yummy caramel like crumbs. Lastly, it makes pretty designs between the cake and glass as it runs down, making you look like a kitchen genius! Cold pudding just cant do that.

Stolen Peanut Butter Cookies

Ok so I have to admit that the recipe I am about to share was stolen from this website...Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies but I added some chocolate chips and found that it needed extra baking soda so that should count for something in the effort department! Besides, I would be doing a disservice to you lazy chefs out there if I failed to include a cookie recipe that was this easy!

That said, I must caution you that preggos and cookie lovers like me now have access to cookies 24/7, and that's a scary thought.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:

1 cup peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg
2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350. Blend your baking soda, egg and sugar together for stirring convenience and then throw in your peanut butter. Spray your cooking pan with some pam or whatever you use and drop the cookie dough on the sheet in little balls. You dont really have to press them criss cross with a fork unless you want to, the flavor wont change. Stick the pan in the oven for about 10 minutes and set a timer reminding you to get them back out. Lick your whisk and bowl thoroughly. Please note that while this is a crucial cookie making step, that you could get salmonella from the egg. This is a risk one must take to ensure good cookies. When your timer goes off, remove your cookies and attack anybody who tries to touch them with your whisk until they are cool enough to eat.

High Dollar Mac and Cheese

So tonight I made some amazing italian pasta and I am almost hesitant to share this gem with you. But seeing as how easy it was to make, I feel I have to uphold my obligation to you fellow lazy chefs out there. I am calling it High Dollar Mac and Cheese because it makes it sound even easier to make.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:

2 boxes of mac and cheese
2 frozen burgers
wine
butter
garlic salt
italian seasoning

Boil your water and heat a pan. Yes, I know, using 2 pieces of cookware is slightly harder and less lazy than a usual recipe but try to hang in there. When the pan is heated, throw both burgers in there and let 'em sit till they bleed. When your water is boiled, throw both boxes of mac and cheese into the water. Take one packet of the cheese powder and stick it in a cupboard to be happily discovered later.

Occasionally stir your boiling noodles. When your burgers look bloody, flip them and let them sit some more. Pour a few ounces of wine, half a stick of butter, some garlic salt and some italian seasoning in there with the burgers. Use your spatula to smash the burgers into little tiny bits. When the meat doesnt look pink anymore, set your mixture on simmer.

When your noodles are white and floppy, drain them in the sink really well. Now put it back in the pot. Pour your meat combo in, along with the single packet of cheese sauce. Stir it all up and thank your lazy chef angel for deciding to give you this recipe after all. And give yourself a pat on the back for being willing to use a pot AND a pan!

Granola Bars: A Recipe Requiring Moderate Work

Hello my fellow lazy cooks! Today we are stepping things up in the work department and making granola bars...The great thing about these is that you can exchange most of the ingredients I am going to give you with healthier options or hypo-allergenic options. But for the sake of the average person's cupboard and pocketbook, I am going to list common ingredients.

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:
2 Cups Instant Oatmeal
4 Tbs Peanut Butter
2Tbs Honey
3Tbs Chopped Nuts
1/2 Cup Dark Chocolate Chips

Preheat oven to 300. Mix together honey and peanut butter. Add oatmeal 1/2 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly in between. If you try to add it all a once, you will have a hard paste that you can barely stir and it sucks. Once oatmeal is mixed well, add chopped nuts and a tiny handful of chocolate chips if you like. Really, you can add just about anything you want in but this is my blog, not yours so neiner neiner neiner...

Spray a small flat baking pan with some non-stick or olive oil or you will have some pretty big problems later. I don't know what size to tell you since I used half of my huge pan to do it last night and the other half to make pizza bites. Mash your mixture into it and press it flat with a spatula. Stick it in the oven for about 15 minutes.

Pull it out, flip the mixture as best you can and don't worry about keeping it in one piece since it will not stay that way until after it has cooled. Mash it back down, place in oven for another 10 to 15, keeping an eye on it. Once it looks golden brown, pull it out and let sit for about 5 minutes. Use your spatuala after that time to create squares out of your giant granola bar and walk away for about an hour...

Once your mixture is not warm anymore, melt the remainder of your chocolate and use a spoon to drizzle pretty patterns all over the top of your creation...Place bars in fridge overnight and eat the next day. You will be glad you took the time to make this pain in the ass recipe.

NOTE: Some people are allergic to peanuts and can effectively use sun butter and craisins instead. Some people are allergic to gluten and can find oatmeal that has been processed away from wheat factories. Some people are diabetic and can use agave nectar instead of honey. Basically, all I am trying to say is that you just need your oats to stick together and it really doesn't matter what you use, just keep yo crap from burnin'!

Cinnamon Rolled Toast

Today I did an experiment. I wanted a cinnamon roll and I didn't want to go to the mall for it. So I did what I usually do and look in my cupboards for some random ingredients to satisfy this preggo's need.

For This Recipe You Will Need:
White or Raisin Bread
Butter
Cinnamon
Sugar




Preheat your oven to 350 and foil a flat pan. Tear the crust off of your bread and eat it or throw it away. Give it to the dog if you want; basically, you don't need it. Cover both sides in butter BEFORE  moving on to the next step or you will get deformed rolls with ripped bread. Once you have flattened both sides, roll your bread flat, or if you are like, just smash it flat with your hand. Mix cinnamon and sugar in equal parts and sprinkle on one side of your buttered bread. Roll your bread into a spiraled tube and cut it in half at a slight angle. Make as many of these as you need or want. Bake for 5 minutes on one side, flip and bake for another 2 minutes. Let cool and eat...

It's not exactly a cinnamon bun but its pretty yummy anyway...

Easy Fried Potatoes

I have done this one since age 17 and could do it on the fly the other day for company we were entertaining. Just chop up the ingredients, throw them in a hot pan and stir once every 10 minutes!

FOR THIS RECIPE YOU WILL NEED:
2 Potatoes
2 onions
whatever spices you have in the cupboard
salt
pepper
olive oil 


Pour olive oil and a little of every spice you have into a medium sized pan. Put it on the burner at medium heat. While you wait for it to get hot, chop the potatoes and onions into smallish bite-sized pieces. Once the pan is hot, chuck 'em in and cover with a lid. Stir once every 10 minutes until the potatoes are mushy. (Basically when they look the way you would want to eat them) add salt and pepper liberally and give it an extra 10 minutes for potato quality insurance. You can serve with shredded cheese or sour cream if you feel like it. Eat, enjoy, do something else.

Tea Chicken

My house pretty much lives on chicken. It's cheap and easy to cook and nobody wants you to bother making their chicken medium or rare. Here is a recipe I came up with out of boredom. I call it tea chicken. You can use any kind of tea and spices, but if you don't know your spices well, then you can just follow my lead...

For this recipe, you will need:
(Chicken)
4 orange tea bags
2 pieces of frozen chicken
3 tbs cinnamon
2 tsp sugar

(Rice)
1 cup minute rice
1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup cranberries


Throw some water in a medium sized pot with all four tea bags. Toss in the frozen chicken and then clean up the water you spilled everywhere by literally tossing it. Throw in the cinnamon and sugar and put the burner on high. When it comes to a boil, let it cook for about 30 minutes. After about 15 minutes, poke a few holes in your chicken with a fork to let more of the flavor into the middle. Then forget about this part until the timer goes off.

While your water is boiling, throw your rice, water and orange juice into a medium sized bowl and heat for about 6 minutes in the microwave. The orange juice factor can make it get frothy, so I suggest you throw a paper towel in under the bowl. When the rice has finished, throw the cranberries in and mix.

When the chicken finishes, sprinkle it with a little cinnamon and salt to taste, serve on a bed of rice and enjoy this festive meal.

All Purpose Chicken

This is the default recipe in my house. Anytime we are feeling especially lazy we take the 10 minutes to prep and throw it in the oven. This recipe alone saves my family tons of money on groceries. The reason I like it so much is that you get a fried food taste with none of the effort.

For this recipe you will need:

3-5 medium sized frozen chicken breasts
some kind of edible oil (we only use olive oil in my house)
all the spices in your kitchen
a can of vegetables (we like green beans, peas or mixed for this)
onion


Preheat your oven to 350. Coat a large baking pan with your oil and let about 1/4 an inch sit in the bottom. Throw your chicken in frozen, roll it around in the oil and throw whatever spices you feel like on it. Lemon-pepper and salt is a classic here. Throw that in the oven for about 25 minutes.

While that is cooking dice some onion and open your can of veggies. Flip the chicken when your timer goes off, carefully dump the veggies and onion in the pan and let it all cook for about 30 minutes. Cut into your largest piece of chicken to see if it is cooked through. If you see pink in the middle and you like salmonella poisoning then it is time to pull your chicken out. However if food poisoning does not appeal to your senses, let your chicken cook for another 15 minutes. When you pull it out, the onions should be cooked through and will have absorbed the flavor of your spices and chicken.

You get a fully cooked and impressive tasting meal and you hardly did a thing!

Pumpkin Brownies

Here is a recipe I came up with last summer. I love pumpkin and I wanted to find a way to combine pumpkin pie with brownies. Here is the simple version for all you non-chefs out there!

For this recipe you will need:
A box of brownie mix (I recommend the caramel brownie kind for the yummiest outcome.)
1 can of pumpkin
4 eggs

Start by mixing the eggs and pumpkin together in a large bowl. (you have to do this because it will get clumpy and hard to stir otherwise) Add the brownie mix. Bake at 350(no matter what the box says) and bake for 25 minutes. Stick a toothpick in the middle and if it comes out mostly clean its done... Eat immediately if you want to scald your mouth...Otherwise wait about 10 minutes.

Pumpkin Spice Margarita Thing

This blog is not assembled in any sort of functional fashion, but rather in the order I choose to disclose my recipes. Here we have a very wintery drink coming to you in near-springtime.  I call this a pumpkin spice margarita but, it cant really be called a margarita since it has zero tequila.

For this recipe you will need:

1/2 can of pumpkin pie mix
1 cup of egg nog(non alcoholic*)
2 teaspoons of cinnamon
3 shots of Jim Beam Bourban
6 regular sized icecubes

whipped cream(not for use in blender)
*(you could substitute the jim for alcoholic eggnog, or just remove it altogether, but honestly it adds to the flavor of the drink and it does not taste as good altered.)

Throw the canned pumpkin in the blender first, followed by the ice. Otherwise it clogs the blender. The rest can go in alphabetically, calorically or however you like. Add whipped cream to top of drink and sprinkle with more cinnamon to taste. This makes 3 servings and happy holiday guests.

White Woman Mexican Rice

Happy Valentines Day everyone! I thought I would start this blog off with something that has nothing to do with cupid at all. Here is a household favorite for the Malsack house. Its mexican rice made cheap and easy. It does not taste like real mexican rice but it goes well with canned refried beans and it sort of looks like mexican rice. To make this dish, you are going to need:

1 cup microwavable rice
1/2 cup salsa
1/2 cup water

Pour rice into medium sized bowl. Mix salsa and water together and throw into bowl with dry rice. Mix well. Add hotsauce to taste. Microwave for 8 minutes and enjoy...